this is my last post here

last night was actually little better, i began to had a feeling that everything could be fine someday

okey

i have like none happy pictures on my laptop so i'll just put this cute spider here:3

last night i talked with gamer for a long time

it was fun:3

at school i was with mf and robin

so

that was really fun too:3

i've read devils blog and it seems that she's getting better too, i'm so happy^^

i've eaten kinda normally, on monday i had a little crash in that, but i'll get it under control:3

i'll also try to do my school work and band stuff really well, or do them anyway:D

meow, i'd really like to see devil someday, i miss her a bit:<

but yeah, it seems right now that it's getting better

we'll se what this day will bring

do you know the feeling when you bring blade to your skin and cut?

it cuts so smooth and without a pain...

 if i think about it

today was actually really fun, i was with my friends and school was okey

so

what changed?

nothing

i don't even fucking know anymore,

i know peoples care about me

and wan't to help me

but i don't let them....

it's sad

and i don't even know why....

i guess i've finally became numb

again....

funny

i tried it so long

and now

i can't even enjoy it

but it's okay

it's kinda part of the point

this weekend has been weird and a bit anxious:P

i don't think i can live normal life yet, i'm too different and i've noticed that everyone around me gets sick of me

it's okay, because i understand perfectly why

everything i talk about is depression, cutting, killing myself, how i'm fat and stuff like that:/

oh yeah, i forgot, i dyed my hair and i love it<3

:33

 dxfcghvbjknlm,ö.ächiuv xamwdöajefihsb i'm all messed up anyway

i try to smile at school and act like i'm fine, i really don't want to go to some fucking therapist

i'll keep long sleeve shirts and i'll be fine:3

haha, this sound like some teenage angst phase...:DD

it would be SO much easier to just kill myself, could i do it?

i think not:/ i'm too scared, i'm a coward.....

yeah

could everyone just treat me like shit so i had good reason to kill myself?

sooo, i've been eating pills, jumping on the roof, slitting my wrists and stuff like that:P

i think i've lost control of myself

gamer said today, that he will brake up with me if i cut ever again

he doesn't realize how hard is to stop

i'm REALLY gonna try now

i think for a past few weeks i've given up

one of my friends said:

if you don't want help, why you keep telling peoples about your problems?

yeah, i don't know, so now i decided to not to tell anyone how i really feel.

school also is destroying me, i cant handle it anymore, i'm braking down

my family just cares about having normal perfect teenage-daughter

when i'm having bad day they are there just like:

"well isn't that our teenager, you should grow up and take some responsibility from your life!!!!"

almost only person i've been talking to is "bigcat" he's one of those rare peoples i can hopefully trust anymore.....

i don't know how i'm gonna survive, i guess i'll lock myself inside of me and pretend that everything's fine

i know it'll hurt, but i guess that's the only way (if you don't count suicide)

worst of all, i can't be with my best friends anymore,

i get depressed almost every time i talk to devil:<

for example:

me: oh shit, my arm is full, what i'm gonna do? ;___;

she: cut another arm

she: oh, wait don't cut

or

me: i think i'll rather not to come there, i'm feeling sick, i think if i start to walk over there i'll throw up in some bush

she: isn't that just a good thing, you'll get that food out

yeah, i really love her, but she doesn't always know how to help:<

i KNOW i've lost control of it

i think i should just do my school work 

and try to avoid everyone

is best for them

i think my head is gonna explode....

nothing makes sense anymore

i'm feeling outsider with my friends for no reason ;___;

i didn't eat anything on monday and on tuesday, i felt like shit and i almost fainted...

today i ate like "normal" peoples do, but i still felt shit and almost throw up.....

i just don't know what to do anymore....

this is how i've been feeling for a whole week

i just don't know anymore

it feels like it doesn't matter if i'm alive or not

"go to sleep and close your eyes

and dream of broken butterflies

that tore their wings against a thorn

you know the pain they have born

silver medal shine so bright

scarlet blood that feels so right

dream of blood trickling down

and wake up just before you drown

moonlight's shining trough your tears

as you bleed out your own worst fears

so tonight when you start to cry

whisper the cutters lullaby

hushabye baby your almost dead

you don't have a pulse and your pillow is red

your family hates you, your friends let you bleed

sleep tight with a knife cause thats all that you need

rockabye baby broken and scarred 

you didn't know that life would be this hard

time to end the pain you hid so well

and down will come baby

straight 

back

to 

hell"

worst thing is, i can't feel pain anymore

i don't know how to cry

okey now i'm really braking down

i think i just

i don't know, i think i just pissed of devil and meoow

yeah i know really important update but

okey

i don't even know why i had to write this 

i just wanted my self to know that i'm braking down again